“They say it’s human nature to make mistakes... and to not want to apologise for them. Because apologising sucks and should be avoided at all costs.”

“I now work as a teaching assistant in a primary school. Initially, I was hoping I would only do it for a month before getting rescued by the chance to be on a panel show I had never heard of. After about a week at this job, I began to enjoy my new sense of responsibility and it helps that I seem to actually be good at this.”

‘I’ve always been drawn to medieval female mystics. They’re all just queer-coded undiagnosed neurodivergent weirdos who dodged their social responsibilities by answering a higher calling. What’s not to love!”

“Most people are standing in the way of their own power. Often because they stop to question whether power is really what’s going to make them happy. Don’t make that mistake. Follow these steps to use confidence to gain and exploit trust for your own advantage.”

“Fundamentally, it’s like I always say: stop stepping in dog mess, and start stepping into your power. And you’d do well to remember it could always be worse.”

“I've spent the last few thousand years circulating among royalty, aristocrats, artists, poets and assorted public nuisances. I've attended their banquets, survived their scandals, witnessed their affairs and, in one regrettable case, briefly married one of them.”

“Power doesn't always have to come from wealth, status or influence, sometimes it can come from everyday moments. Here are five ways you can take it.”

Take Amy Matthews’ flowchart to find out your female rage spirit animal

“He’s starting to cry. It’s working. He has crumpled down to the floor, head in his hands. Slowly prise the hands from his face and whisper shhhhhhh. Do a downward dog, and look at him between your legs. Smile. Sneeze. Wait.”

“While being interrupted in an unglamorous bathroom moment is embarrassing, it’s perhaps an overreaction to turn into a flying reptile.”

Caleb Hearon said: ‘All comedians secretly want to be singer-songwriters.’ I have often said that creating my solo show was my way of coming out as someone who wanted to be comedian

“You’ll have to see the show! No, but seriously – I told you that’s not my card! Wait no way, hang on why are you taking your sock off? No way! Oh my God! Yes! That is my card! “

“They're just singer-songwriters trying to make their art. Their voices are so powerful they move people to tears and madness. It's not the Sirens' fault if audiences are losing their minds.”

“Having up to that point been just a regular organic human, Bob Dylan had his internal organs and central nervous system replaced by electronic circuitry at great expense to both himself and the US national grid.”

“Francisco de Nata is no ordinary giraffe. He’s got a long neck full of dreams, a heart bubbling with custard, and a special love for his Avó (Grandma), whose secret recipe changed his life forever…”

“Things have changed a lot since the distant past, most notably since 1896 when Athens first introduced the “modern” concept of the “Fringe”. With groovy new venues such as “big pool”, “running track” and “velodrome”. And PR and marketing stunts such as BIG TORCH and BIG RINGS.”

“‘Sorry about him, Rohan’s got a cruel wit,” Dan says as he hoists his body off the table and onto a kitchen chair. ‘Shall we start the interview?’ He fuses his head with his body. My god they’re good at magic.”

“Love Actually is high. Inception is low. Films and TV shows about divorce are for adults. Films and TV shows about planet bleep bloop are for children.”

“Becoming a monetary wizard was actually quite hard. I had to scrub the shoes of the more senior wizards, I gave up my evenings to count gold pieces in merchant stores in places I’d never been before. Places like Staines.”

Cabbage that Clown presents their magical movie masterpiece, binbags, exclusively screening on LMAOnaise