“It’s a little known fact, but this is why dogs are so loyal to their owners. Every time a dog is adopted, their new owner brings them to a bar and buys them a shot.”

“Dethroned, I had to crawl back and grovel, hoping that my friends would let me back into the inner circle. In an instant, my entire social standing lay in the hands of three prepubescent girls.’

“Staying in control is one of the keys to a happy life, but any therapist will tell you, how can you expect to control yourself, if you don’t first control the lives of those around you?”

“My heart dropped out my arse when I saw a fellow comedian's prestigious producer/venue bill, where the £14k they had amassed in ticket sales profit had been whittled down through costs to a shiny £28.”

“Once I’m done eating the bugs I’ve found under my house, I’d probably just proceed to carry my house around with me, like a classy little evening clutch bag.”

“Early on in the planning, I decided that I wanted to heelie at my wedding. I didn’t know if it would be down the aisle or in the first dance. But I knew that if I wanted to, I could heelie anywhere and at any time I liked.”

“Whilst I have been busy prancing away, my family have been inventing and discovering things that have changed and even saved countless people’s lives! So here I am to prove that even though they may have achieved all these things…we are exactly the same!”

“While other kids were freely collecting CDs and watching MTV, I was building a mental list. Nothing makes something more appealing than telling a child they absolutely cannot have it.”

“Television, much like my waist size, is more than just a medium. It's a powerful outlet for artists to communicate diverse stories.”

“Screw what anyone else is doing – do what you want, who you want and how you want to do it. This is your Edinburgh Fringe and that's your PREROGATIVE”

“Like a priceless Patek Philippe watch, fragile masculinity and emotional constipation is yours to protect and pass on to your male heirs.”

“The rumours of the night are wrong. This wasn’t just a relinquishing of power, a decision about the future of Labour. To me, the Granita was an intimate candlelit table for two. The Granita was Tony wearing a crisp blue shirt and asking whether I wanted to share some garlic bread. I did not want the garlic bread. I wanted him.”

‘Some of you might say: “Marty, there has never been a Mayor of the Fringe before, we don’t think we need one.” And to that I will gently press my whole hand to your mouth and say “questions at the end”.’

“Look at the world now. Led by sociopaths. Men at the peak of their mediocrity, but power hungry. And two of the great, aged fulcrums we hinge that power on are Patriotism and God. Why? Because both still hold power.”

“Unfair that they call the movie Jaws, as I feel the teeth did all the work. A shark is not scary without its teeth. The teeth do all the heavy lifting. Imagine if the shark had no teeth. He has no other moves.”

“Welcome to fat healthcare, where no matter why you step over the threshold, whether it's an ear infection from a filthy waterpark pool or a rash from a nickel necklace an ex swore was real gold, you are leaving with an unsolicited weight consultation.”

“As a stand up comedy reviewer, you see some pretty crazy things! I’ve been reviewing comedy for nearly a month now, and that’s been enough time for me to consider myself to have insightful takes on the industry, so here are the five craziest things I’ve ever seen.”

“‘They don’t build statues of critics.’ But oh, what a world it would be if they did! Me and Brian Logan, arm in arm, astride a lion in Trafalgar Square.”

“The next Friday, I arrived at work with a mission. I would send an email to the entire company to order burritos, but I would make sure my email was better than the dull kebab email. I would make it funny. Yes, I would mock the kebab folks.”

“Most people don’t even know they ate their twin. Their parents never think to tell them. I’ve discovered that there is an epidemic of twin eaters on the comedy circuit: Roger O’Sullivan, Katie Norris, and Ted Hill to name and shame them.”