“It’s a little known fact, but this is why dogs are so loyal to their owners. Every time a dog is adopted, their new owner brings them to a bar and buys them a shot.”

“Dethroned, I had to crawl back and grovel, hoping that my friends would let me back into the inner circle. In an instant, my entire social standing lay in the hands of three prepubescent girls.’

“Staying in control is one of the keys to a happy life, but any therapist will tell you, how can you expect to control yourself, if you don’t first control the lives of those around you?”

“Whilst I have been busy prancing away, my family have been inventing and discovering things that have changed and even saved countless people’s lives! So here I am to prove that even though they may have achieved all these things…we are exactly the same!”

“While other kids were freely collecting CDs and watching MTV, I was building a mental list. Nothing makes something more appealing than telling a child they absolutely cannot have it.”

“Television, much like my waist size, is more than just a medium. It's a powerful outlet for artists to communicate diverse stories.”

“Screw what anyone else is doing – do what you want, who you want and how you want to do it. This is your Edinburgh Fringe and that's your PREROGATIVE”

“Like a priceless Patek Philippe watch, fragile masculinity and emotional constipation is yours to protect and pass on to your male heirs.”

“As a stand up comedy reviewer, you see some pretty crazy things! I’ve been reviewing comedy for nearly a month now, and that’s been enough time for me to consider myself to have insightful takes on the industry, so here are the five craziest things I’ve ever seen.”

“‘They don’t build statues of critics.’ But oh, what a world it would be if they did! Me and Brian Logan, arm in arm, astride a lion in Trafalgar Square.”

“Most people don’t even know they ate their twin. Their parents never think to tell them. I’ve discovered that there is an epidemic of twin eaters on the comedy circuit: Roger O’Sullivan, Katie Norris, and Ted Hill to name and shame them.”

“Fundamentally, it’s like I always say: stop stepping in dog mess, and start stepping into your power. And you’d do well to remember it could always be worse.”

“I've spent the last few thousand years circulating among royalty, aristocrats, artists, poets and assorted public nuisances. I've attended their banquets, survived their scandals, witnessed their affairs and, in one regrettable case, briefly married one of them.”

“He’s starting to cry. It’s working. He has crumpled down to the floor, head in his hands. Slowly prise the hands from his face and whisper shhhhhhh. Do a downward dog, and look at him between your legs. Smile. Sneeze. Wait.”

“Having up to that point been just a regular organic human, Bob Dylan had his internal organs and central nervous system replaced by electronic circuitry at great expense to both himself and the US national grid.”

“Francisco de Nata is no ordinary giraffe. He’s got a long neck full of dreams, a heart bubbling with custard, and a special love for his Avó (Grandma), whose secret recipe changed his life forever…”

“Doctors don’t believe it, but if I blink four times in a mirror and yell my name backwards, it happens. It must be magic. Or whatever is cut with the black mould I keep eating.”

“I endorse this potion being amazing! I regained control of my life and started typing proficiently again. Now I am a successful CEO. I have sex with all my employees and dribble where I want.”

Get ready for the Weekend of Weird at Brighton Fringe - a whole weekend of alternative comedy and clowny stuff - by astrologising with this handy horoscope

Sick of city noise and grubby smut? Head to a special town - The Mayor and His Daughter want to show you around…