Fanny Bleach: How to make men scared of you
Power
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Power 〰️
Image: Ray Malone
The Edinburgh Fringe is back for 2026, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re taking on POWER: Who’s got it? Where is it? Where should it be? How do you get it? Our comedians are the only ones with the answers.
By Fanny Bleach
If you would like men to shake and quiver in their silly boots every time you enter a room, just take these simple steps and they’ll be pissing all over the floor in no time.
If you’re unfortunate enough to have sex with men and you find yourself waking up next to one, start your day with a lovely big stretch and a scream. Then start scratching at your legs and arms uncontrollably and shout: “I’m so itchy, why am I so itchy?” Then just laugh and laugh and laugh with your face pressed up against theirs.
If you can, polevault out of bed across the room and slap the walls vigorously like that scene in The Wickerman where the naked woman dances about the hotel room at night and the police officer gets all sweaty.
Next, slip out of the room without a trace like smoke or a fart, then slink into the kitchen and go to the fridge. You’ll need to find a paste like hummus, primula cheese spread or taramasalata and you’re going to want to smear that on your hands so you’ve got a nice even coverage. Head outside and raise your hands to the sky and wait for the seagulls to flock.
When they flock, punch at them, because seagulls can fuck off. Punch and punch and flail, but do make sure you’ve got a smile on your face. Look up to the window where your lover will be cowering in fear and give him a wave and a little friendly pelvic thrust in his direction.
It’s likely at this point he will be so terrified, he will be searching for his house keys and racing downstairs to lock you out, but you’ve prepared yourself for this very situation. The night before, you’d already taped his house keys to your inner thigh, round the corner from your outer labia.
Keep punching the air and if you’ve got a little chilly because of the nakedness try some Wim Hof breathing and slap your thighs to get the circulation going. Twist your nipples so they’re fully erect and shout “hear ye hear ye” like a town cryer in the olden days.
At this point he may have tried jamming the door shut and you might see him through the blinds making a few phone calls, but last night you changed every single number in his phone to Papa Johns and all he can do is order pizza from an irritated teenager. He’s given up (probably) and your super human strength has forced you through the kitchen door even though he tried to prop it closed with a chair.
Tell him not to worry, in between short sharp whistles, tell him you have a surprise for him that you know he’ll like. He’s starting to cry, it’s working. He has crumpled down to the floor, head in his hands. Slowly prise the hands from his face and whisper shhhhhhh. Then on your honkers, spin very slowly round so that your naked back is to him and let out a long withering fart. So long it sounds like a far off train. Do a downward dog, and look at him between your legs. Smile. Sneeze. Wait.
Just when he thinks you might be done you’re going to want to use all the strength you have in your thighs to slowly raise yourself up over the course of about 2 minutes, then loom over him and sway, letting your entire body block out the sun. Reach down and tousle his hair or, if bald, give his head a playful slap. If you can easily get to his armpit, pluck out a hair or two in one swift movement and drop it in a jar (there should be one in his recycling), mix it with your own spit and explain to him you’ve had a great time but you need to go home to bury the jar in your garden.
Personally I wouldn’t bother with clothes if you want to get the full effect, just dance and prance out of the house. Throw his house keys at him as you don’t want the police involved, then it’s the makarena, floss, two thirds of the Cha Cha Slide and then walk away, hands raised. If there’s a pigeon close by you might want to pick it up and carry it for a while, for as long as the man is in sight.
And that’s it! Please write in and let me know how it goes and if the man does any scaredy cat wee wees.
Fanny Bleach: The Nearly Naked Show is running at Assembly Roxy (Downstairs) from Aug 5-30th (except 18th and 25th), 21:50. Tickets here
Read more about Edinburgh Fringe 2026:
