Power

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Power 〰️

The Edinburgh Fringe is back for 2026, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re taking on POWER: Who’s got it? Where is it? Where should it be? How do you get it? Our comedians are the only ones with the answers.

By Sam Eley as Basil Crumbwick

“I’m about to lose control, and I think I like it.” A line made famous by The Pointer Sisters in their 1984 hit I’m So Excited, sung all around the world by people whose lives are so mediocre that they literally cannot wait to have a glass of wine and dance around a bit. But what seems to most like an innocent call to let loose and have fun actually foreshadowed a far darker future for the Pointer Sisters, who indeed lost control. Not only did they not like it, they actually probably hated it, I reckon.

Their loss of control started with alcohol, before moving onto drugs, and eventually, standing up really quickly from a hot bath so your head goes all weird. Then they went back to drugs, because that last one got old pretty quickly.

With this increasingly self-destructive behaviour, it was clear to everyone that the Pointer Sisters were headed the way of Charles Dickens himself: dead.

Mary Pointer, the eldest sister, was the first to go. Her apple-shaped cheeks, previously credited for her success, in fact became her downfall, when one afternoon, she was feeding a horse, and it tragically bit her whole head off. Irene Pointer, the middle child, was next. She jumped to her death from the Empire State Building on 9/11, because she got muddled up about which one she was in. Perhaps most sad of all was baby Christina Pointer, who died of malnutrition during a very competitive game of hide and seek. Her body was not found for a further 25 years. It was behind a tree.

What does the story of the Pointer Sisters teach us? Well, consider this. Do you think the song would still be quite as popular at weddings and baptisms if the lyrics read: “I’m about to get my head ate by a horse, and I think I like it”? I suspect not. Losing control might sound fun, but then from the name, so does waterboarding.

Staying in control is one of the keys to a happy life, but any therapist will tell you, how can you expect to control yourself, if you don’t first control the lives of those around you?

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We all know that, before you help your neighbour on an aeroplane with their oxygen mask, you first need to make sure that you actually want them to survive the crash. Because if not? Well then do something else. Like watch a film on the excellent in-flight entertainment system. I can recommend Ted, that’s a good one. It’s about a teddy that comes to life, but he’s really rude. You seriously wouldn’t expect him to be that rude, because he looks so friendly! It’s very clever.

But how do you control the people around you? There are of course trendy modern methods of control – like gaslighting, weaponised incompetence, and sending their boss AI photos of them wearing a dunce hat with green squiggly lines coming off their bum – but these can get in the way of some of the time-tested classics, such as holding a big stick in the air and muttering “be careful” any time they look at you.

The most important thing to remember is having flexibility of approach depending on who you’re dealing with. Your method of controlling the postman (superglue on the letterbox) will likely be completely different to your method of controlling your spouse (superglue on the front door key). Either way, you’re going to want a massive pot of superglue. I don’t actually know why they sell it in those tiny tubes. It’s an insult.

The final thing you need to be aware of is ensuring that the people you’re puppeteering still have the illusion of freedom. There are lots of ways you can do this, such as painting a realistic Spring landscape on the inside of the boot of your car. Otherwise, you will end up in a situation like Rod Hull and Emu. Watch any video of the two of them and it’s immediately obvious that Emu knew he was under Hull’s control, and as such, was an absolute bloody nightmare. Always knocking over ice creams, pecking people’s faces, and other unacceptable behaviour. It’s truly heartbreaking to see.

No one can stand in your way when everyone you know is in the palm of your hand. Even if they do stand in your way, you could just squish them – they fit in your hand, so they must be tiny. Then once you’ve taken control of your life, as you gaze down upon your kingdom, remember The Pointer Sisters. I mentioned them earlier. I’m not explaining again. Just go back and read the first bit.

Sam Eley is Basil Crumbwick: Soul Sewage is running at Monkey Barrel (MB2) from Aug 3-30th (except 18th). Tickets here