Ruby Carr: The most powerful teeth, ranked
Power
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Power 〰️
Image: Kirsty Dimond
The Edinburgh Fringe is back for 2026, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re taking on POWER. Who’s got it? Where is it? Where should it be? How do you get it? Our comedians are the only ones with the answers.
By Ruby Carr
This is my rating of teeth worst to best from six carefully selected contenders.
6. Gummy teeth
In last place, Gummy Teeth. The beautiful irony of something that looks like your teeth while also rotting them away. I only ever saw them at the cinema or in Wilko’s tuck shop. I have fond memories of sticking them in my mouth to look like I had slightly different teeth, to promptly spit them out as they truly taste of nothing but the sensation of gumminess.
5. Wisdom teeth
Next I am putting wisdom teeth. Thank you for the time off work, but was all that pain really necessary? Wisdom teeth got their name during the birth of modern dentistry in the 17th century, and are called wisdom teeth because you normally start to get them when you are wise at the age 25. 25?! People really did use to die young if 25 was considered wise. At the age of 25 I wanted to get an Avatar the Last Airbender tattoo, and only didn’t because I didn't have enough money. So actually maybe I was pretty wise (and broke).
4. The teeth from Jaws
In fourth, the teeth that belong to the shark in Jaws. Unfair that they call the movie Jaws, as I feel the teeth did all the work. A shark is not scary without its teeth. The teeth do all the heavy lifting in that movie. Imagine if the shark had no teeth. He has no other moves. He’s a magikarp and all he’s got is a splash. Without his teeth, there is no movie, just a big mouth gnawing on people. (Honorable mention to dracula teeth, without which he’s a thirsty boy with an iron deficiency. Also to Hannibal's teeth: it’s just not the same if he’s putting liver and fava beans in the nutribullet.)
3. Georgia May Jagger
First in the top half of the pack: Georgia May Jagger was THE “get the london look” model. An Icon for her teeth. BUT I did not realise she had nepo teeth. Her dad Mick Jagger (so obvious now) used to have an emerald in one of his front teeth, but had it replaced because people kept mistaking the green gem for spinach. The classic “sir, there is a fly in my soap and an emerald in my salad.”
2. People with only one filling
In second place, people with only one filling. Well done to people with no fillings for being a fucking square. Either you have amazing genetics or you are devoid of any joy. I just can’t trust you. People with only one filling however, you’ve danced on the dark side, you’ve lived, you’ve experienced the pain. But it hasn’t gotten out of hand. People with only one filling, I love you, from a lady with five.
1. My teeth (specifically the morning after I've had a dream about them all falling out)
And first place, from an impartial judge (me), goes to me. At least twice a week I will wake up going: AHHH oh my god oh my god, they're still there, thank god they're still there. Never have I been more grateful to jam my tongue into my own teeth. That is the moment that I feel that my teeth are the greatest strongest things created and I feel so happy they didn't actually all fall out during a surprise GCSE English Lit adult re-sit I didn't know I needed to take. Apparently, in dreams decoding, your teeth falling out is supposed to mean you’re stressed? Stress, never heard of her… anyway I am doing a new show in the Edinburgh Fringe…
Ruby Carr: Bite Me is running at Hoots @ Nicholson Square (Nic 9) from Aug 7-30th (except 17th), 15:50. Tickets here
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