Power

〰️

Power 〰️

The Edinburgh Fringe is back for 2026, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re taking on POWER: Who’s got it? Where is it? Where should it be? How do you get it? Our comedians are the only ones with the answers.

By Jenny Gorelick

As humans, we fuck up. We hurt people, spill milk, and cry about it. What can we do? We’re only human.

They say it’s human nature to make mistakes... and to not want to apologise for them. Because apologising sucks and should be avoided at all costs.

So, when you know you’ve done something wrong but don’t want to admit it out loud, here are a few powerful ways to say sorry without actually saying sorry.

Money Talks

Buy something really fucking expensive.

I’ve seen this work with my parents. My dad messed up, and my mom got jewelry. My mom messed up (and cheated on my dad), and my dad paid alimony. Either way, my dad ended up opening his wallet.

Nothing says “I’m sorry” louder than money.

So instead of saying “sorry,” say cha-ching, cha-ching with flowers, a spa gift certificate, or cold hard cash. I promise whoever is upset, will be less upset holding a new handbag.

Acts of Service

Okay, so you’re poor. That sucks.

Well, luckily, actions speak louder than words, so... say it with your deeds. Bake a cake. Cook a home-cooked meal. Mow their lawn. Say sorry with sprinkles—literally write it in frosting.

Or make it administrative. Hell, do their taxes! Help them finally write their will! Not in a threatening, “you’re gonna die” way. More in a “I’m trying to earn some goodwill before I die” way.

And make sure you do it all with a look that says, “Yeah, I’m pathetic for forgetting your birthday, and I wish I wasn’t born.”

Say it with Song

In Timbaland’s song Apologize, he sings, “It’s too late to apologize.” Then he doesn’t even try. Instead, he croons. It’s powerful.

As Justin Bieber asks in his song Sorry: “Is it too late now to say sorry?” Yet he never actually says, “I’m sorry.” Instead, he does choreography. Be like Bieber and dance around the issue.

And if you can’t sing or dance, hire an a cappella group to do it for you. But not a flash mob. NEVER a flash mob. Otherwise, you’ll just have to apologise again for putting them through that.

Haven’t they suffered enough?

Subscribe to the newsletter

Release a Notes App “Apology”

Write something vague and nonsensical about “accountability”, “growth”, “learning from past mistakes”, and “reflecting” in black text on a white background, then post it to Instagram.

Nobody has reading comprehension anymore—assuming they know how to read at all—so they’ll just comment, “Proud of you ❤️” or “You’re so brave,” and call it a day.

Send a Proxy

If you’re too pussy to apologise, send a friend or loved one to do it on your behalf. That way, they can shoot the messenger instead.

Or better yet, get a B-list celebrity on Cameo to do it for you. Because wouldn’t your apology sound better coming from a former Love Island bombshell who gives good chat, a Survivor contestant, or the guy behind the Fyre Festival?

He fucked up way worse than you did.

Disappear for a Few Years

Retreat to a cave, “rehab,” or a villa in Tuscany for a few years. By the time you come back, everyone will have forgotten why you left in the first place.

It worked for Louis C.K. Now he's headlining comedy clubs again. Who knows? Stay gone long enough and you might get a Netflix special.

Double Down

Do the opposite of apologising, and just double down on whatever bad thing you did. Deny it, defend it, and you might even become President of the United States of America. Isn’t that awesome?

The Classic (Guy-Style)

Say, “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

Men have really perfected this one. It sounds like an apology, but somehow the only person at fault is you.

The Classic (Girl-Style)

Apologise for everything. Even breathing. Apologise to the guy who cut you in line.

Apologise for things you didn’t do, things that weren’t your fault, and things that haven't happened yet but maybe could happen sometime in the future to cover all your bases.