Liz Guterbock: The Magic of Alan Shearer
Fringe Magic
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Fringe Magic 〰️
Image: Karla Gowlett
It’s time for Edinburgh Fringe 2025, and with it, our annual feature series! This year, we’re celebrating the special, unique Fringe moments — the ones that feel like pure MAGIC…
By Liz Guterbock
I’m a “Let’s stay in and get cozy” kind of person, rather than a “Let’s go out and get crazy” kind of person, and I’m afraid that makes me boring. It certainly makes me wonder why I’d do Edinburgh, arguably one of the most exciting festivals to be part of! But anytime my fear of being boring crops up, I think of my crush: Alan Shearer.
He’s now a football commentator, but he was once one of the most exciting players in Premier League Football history. People call Alan’s “post-goal celebration” boring, and now they call his commentary boring. And Alan Shearer doesn’t care. Alan knows he’s making magic.
I moved to the UK from the USA, and I’ve lived here for almost 15 years now. Alan Shearer is firmly on the list of British things I have a crush on, alongside Robert Dyas and good knitwear. I can’t think of anything more magical than sitting on the couch in a lovely sweater while I use my JML foot spa from Robert Dyas with Match of the Day on TV, listening to Alan Shearer add absolutely no flare to the football commentary. It’s the way football commentary should be done. Don’t get me wrong – I like my Roy Keane grumpy and my Micah Richards full of zest, but neither of them would stick out as much if Alan weren’t so magically mundane.
I recently watched a podcast video clip of my Alan (yes, my crush is at the delusional point where I think he is mine) doing an ad break with Micah Richards and Gary Lineker. While Gary and Micah gave the product their most smiley sales pitch, Alan Shearer read his ad copy off the page like he was reading the instructions on how to pay a parking fine. My Alan can’t sell. My Alan is boring. But here’s the thing...
As I head up to Edinburgh, I feel the pressure that usually mounts when you go to a festival. “I must be out all the time! I must be exciting both on and off stage! I must live as an extrovert 24 hours a day and make magic as I hobble up and down the hills of Edinburgh in the wrong shoes!” But as that pressure mounts, I remind myself that people adore Alan because he was great at his job as a football player on the pitch. Everywhere else, he’s balanced, nice, and doesn’t need to stay up all night in the Pleasance Courtyard.
Remember that boring “post-goal” celebration of Alan’s? He’d score a goal, and instead of ripping his shirt off or sliding around on the field, he’d simply put his hand up to the crowd as if to say, “Thank you. My job here is done. Now I need to go file my taxes”.
It helps me remember that I can be exciting on the stage, and boring everywhere else. I can do a (hopefully great) show and then go have a cup of tea and reflect on how pleased I am that I’ve already gone digital with my tax, long before the HMRC deadline in 2026. Alan would swoon at such talk.
Liz Guterbock: Nice is at PBH Free Fringe’s Southsider Side Lounge from August 2-24th, 7pm. Info here (no tickets, just show up).
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