Verity Sharpe: Urgently hiring Career Landlords! Enquire within!
Image: Shot By Trendy
Verity Sharpe’s show Landlord’s Wet Dream is a one-person show/threat about the UK Housing Crisis. Unrelated, LMAOnaise has pivoted to being a jobs board! Look, a job advert! Get in touch to find out more about this lucrative opportunity.
Your Dream Career Awaits!
URGENTLY WANTED!!! Fortunate Yet Unmotivated Individual!!
This position is open to humans, human-shaped leeches, and leech-shaped humans. We have a casket-full of positions to fill!
Are you passionate about big price tags for cramped bachelor pads?
Are you powered by inherited wealth and mild-psychopathy?
Are you ready to put your “ass” in “passive income”?
Then we have the career for you!
Job Title: Career Landlord
Hours: 0-5/week
Location: UK wide
Salary: £40k + (dependent on market performance)
Responsibilities:
To own multiple houses/flats/car parking spaces
(Preferably inherited, that’s what dead relatives are for)
To raise eye-wateringly high rent prices year-on-year “due to inflation”
Think of a bigger number each year, and watch that eye-watering become tenants' tears. This. Is. Your. Life. Source.
To ignore tenants’ phone calls
Just like your soon-to-be ex-wife ignores your phone calls about spending time with the kids.
To be a smooth talker, rebranding persistent leaks as “indoor water features”, faulty wiring as “an electric atmosphere”, and lingering mould as “boho-chic natural wallpaper”
Crack open the thesaurus, these lies aren’t gonna write themselves
To pop round uninvited to properties and threaten eviction casually in conversation
Who needs friends when you have strangers reliant on you for shelter?
Image: Irina Anghel
Qualifications:
An unshakable belief in trickle down economics.
You don’t have to understand it, you just have to whole-hearltedly support it
Registered as a “small-business owner” and worshipped by policy-makers
Despite owning half of a postcode
A tin of magnolia emulsion
Those light switches aren’t going to paint over themselves!
Benefits:
An infinite source of income for finite housing stock
You could be earning 70% of other people’s wages.
An free fleece gilet for signing up
Nothing says “I have assets and cold arms” like a gilet.
The belief you are providing a much needed service
You’re basically a hero of modern society, they should give out medals for this.
A career for a lifetime.
People are always going to need shelter, and you have hoarded it. Well done.
With lax rent controls and rising housing scarcity, there has never been a more lucrative time to start a career as a landlord. Get on that property ladder and start climbing! Interested? Email scamlord@notarealjob.com
Verity Sharpe: Landlord's Wet Dream is at Brighton Fringe in the Rotunda Theatre (Squeak) on May 2nd & 8th. Tickets here
