Fantasy Fringe

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Fantasy Fringe 〰️

We’re excited about the Edinburgh Fringe, but it’s clear it needs to change. A lot of people have a lot of ideas, but nothing has really happened yet. So we decided to ask the comedians themselves: in your fantasy, what would the Fringe look like? It might have been a mistake.

Lorna Rose Treen is an extremely talented character comedian. Unfortunately the talent doesn’t run in the family, because Lorna’s nephew has none of it. For some reason though, he’s decided to hold his own Fringe Festival at his parents’ house. Here’s the programme for those of you who dare to go.

PRESS RELEASE: For release immediately.

My talentless nephew is putting on a fringe festival in his parents’ house.

Highlights of the line-up include:

11am, my Nephew's Bedroom. My Nephew presents an immersive theatre experience where he has his usual lie-in (even on the day of the festival he is organising) and you, the audience, get to bring him breakfast in bed and gently wake him up.

12pm, the Garden. The guy from the Post Office who likes licking stamps too much does Stand-Up Comedy! One hour of joke-packed comedy from the man with the sticky tongue.

1pm, the Attic. My nephew's girlfriend does an hour of what she is calling clowning, and I am calling food waste. Spaghetti Sarah tries to perform a spaghetti western where all the characters are played by Italy's favourite dish!

2pm, the Garden. My nephew's malcoordinated sister and her Brownie troupe are doing an all woman production of Hamlet. They made their Brown Owl purchase 20 litres of ketchup from Costco for blood.

3pm, the Upstairs Bathroom. My talentless nephew's mate from football presents his debut stand-up comedy hour. He'll cover the highs and lows of playing for Winton FC Junior League, his love for Lynx Africa, and why he thinks girls won't talk to him!

4pm, the Garage. The Men of Avenue Road present: 6 Men, 4 Babys and no script! One hour of completely improvised comedy based entirely on your suggestions — also they have childcare responsibilities.

5pm, the Ford Fiesta Parked on the Drive. My Ex-Husband presents the Musings of a Sad Divorced Man. I've told my nephew I will attend his festival if my ex husband is banned from the premise all day. The husband exclusion zone includes the house and the garden, however I neglected to identify the driveway as claimed territory. My ex-husband will thus be doing a terribly boring and hack hour of stand-up from the driver seat of his car. Book fast, as capacity is limited to 3. Which, apparently, our marriage was also.

6pm, The Kitchen. Much Ado About Muffins. The local amateur dramatics group, the Winton Wailers, present a medley of musical numbers whilst they bake.

7pm, the Living Room. Grannies Uncensored! Current residents of Suntree Carehome leave their self-censorship button at the door, giving you one hour of stand-up - thinking outside the groupthink bubble. Prepare for open-mindedness and be up for something fresh (out of the 1950s).

8pm, the Utility Room. Peter Kay's Live from the Utility Room! He’s back! Straight from a residency at the 02, one of Britain’s best loved comedians finally brings his Guiness World Record Breaking stand-up show to my nephew's utility room. Kay says: "It's good to get back to what I love doing best, stand-up comedy. If there's ever a time people need a laugh it's now. And if there's ever a place they need a laugh, it's in the utility room."

9pm, the Garden Shed. My nephew rifles through his father's secret files. What will be revealed? Naughty magazines? Unfiled taxes? Knowing my brother, yes.

10pm, The Spare Room. Character comedy from my new boyfriend Carlos (attractive, Spanish, good job). I've given Carlos my husband's best suits and he'll be wearing them all at once whilst doing a really good impression of him. He does a really good character walk as him where he stomps around like a loser and honks a pig honk. It's a really good honk, everyone (if you're allowed in the house) should come and watch his impression.

Lorna Rose Treen: Skin Pigeon runs at Pleasance Courtyard from August 3-27th at 4:35pm. Tickets here

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