At 7:30am my alarm goes off. I push off my bed covers - like everything in my room they’re striped pink, purple and blue.
Getting dressed for the day ahead I make sure to cuff my jeans and sigh as I wonder whether one cuffing season I’ll finally cuff more than just the jeans. Doesn’t matter if they’re the same gender as me, a different gender to me or one of the centaurs from Fantasia… I just want someone to snuggle up with one winter! Why will no one make me their boo? Then I remember that I am a wantonly promiscuous creature and no one person will ever satisfy me, unless they have dicks for fingers and a vulva for a mouth, so of course no sensible person is ever going to want to cuff me when I am such a licentious beast.
For breakfast I eat 69 lemon slices – I am insatiably greedy after all. I save one to eat on the bus into work, just so there can be absolutely no doubt in my fellow passenger’s minds that I am a BISEGGSUAL.
Even though it’s not really a suitable coat for the chilly 11 degrees outside I don my denim jacket and cuff the sleeves on that too. What’s pneumonia when you’re signalling the metaphysical essence of queerness to the world with double cuffed denim?
I arrive at the perfumery where I work and make sure to attach my ‘Hated by Julie Bindel’ enamel pin to my lab coat before I commence the day – just a little ‘je ne sais quoi’ to ensure my bi-fi signal remains strong.
I’m working on a new scent, attempting to distil the aforementioned metaphysical essence of queerness into perfume form, so that I might smell permanently bisexual. It is my life’s mission to ensure all bisexuals be given equal opportunity to attack the olfactory nerves of monosexuals on a daily basis, whether they are in a ‘straight-passing’ relationship or not.
Patented scent name: Tediously Bisexual - The New Fragrance for multi-gendered attraction… I do worry about what will happen when the Unicorn Hunters catch wind of it though. No, I mean when they quite literally stand down wind of us and catch our scent, there’ll be nowhere for us to hide.
I work standing up because of course I am incapable of sitting straight.
For lunch I don’t actually manage to eat anything because I spend so long trying to decide between the pumpkin soup and tuna pasta bake that they close the kitchen by the time I haven’t made up my mind. What can I say, I have to keep up appearances right?
After work I play my weekly game of Netball. I say play, but it’s really just members of each competing team screaming ‘PICK A SIDE’ at me while I pivot on the spot holding the ball, overwhelmed by their cries. Sometimes, in protest, I throw the ball in the air and run to the side lines screaming ‘THAT’S JUST THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL’ because there aren’t just two sides to pick from are there Janelle!?
Cycling home in my purple Bi-Vis jacket I hear a siren signalling me to pull over. I look behind me, oh great, it’s the Biphobic Brigade asking to see my receipts again. Third time that’s happened this week. Luckily, I keep them handy in my wallet for just these moments.
“Look, see here” I say, “Tuesday 12 September 2006, receipt number one: my first time, he had a penis by the way. Then here, right here, Friday 24 February 2011, I had sex with someone who had a vulva. I think you’ll find that all the rest of my receipts are in order too.” I spread them out for all to see.
Of course, if I didn’t have any receipts to show they’d be well within their right to call me a MASSIVE FRAUD. I totally understand that none of the attraction I feel within my own mind, body or soul would be a legitimate enough reason to identify as bi, and I’m so grateful to the Biphobic Brigade for keeping us in check on that one.
It’s a relief to get home and kick my shoes - Doc Martens obviously - off. My dog greets me with unabashed joy whilst my cat sniffs disdainfully from a distance before turning to walk away, tail held high. I love them both dearly though they are so different.
I’ve filled my living room with so many house plants I sadly can’t reach my sofa anymore, but like I said, I don’t do sitting, so I just collapse on the floor.
God it’s exhausting doing all this work to remain visible. If only people would accept that no matter who we’re dating, we aren’t straight and we aren’t gay, we’re… still bisexual. It would make our lives so much easier.
Sadie Clark’s play Algorithms returns to the Soho Theatre from December 6-11, sohotheatre.com
Image: Ali Wright
…is an actor, writer, and comedy improviser and her debut sketch ‘Did You Say I’m A Survivor’ recently won the Comedy Crowd’s ‘Chorts Award’. She is one of Mercury Theatre’s Playwrights 2021/22, a member of the BFI Network x BAFTA Crew 2021, and as well as working on her next solo show ‘GREEDY’, she is also currently adapting the stage play of Algorithms with Rooks Nest Entertainment.
Subscribe below for your regular comedy recommendations
(Make sure to check your spam folder)