Posey Mehta: Top 5 tips for dating as a gorilla

Fringe Debuts!

Welcome to our Fringe Debuts series, where comedians taking their first show to Edinburgh Fringe will give you a little taster of what to expect, an insight into their world, or really super weird musings on something equally bizarre — to be honest, we just let them run with it. If you’re readying yourself for a giant lol injection in August, now’s your chance to find something NEW to add to your list.

Posey Mehta is performing I Am Not A Gorilla, an absurd character comedy show about being othered and lonely. Here, she tells us the top five things you need to know if you’re a gorilla who’s getting back out there.

So you’ve decided to put yourself out there despite having a dramatically different body that most people consider baffling, repulsive or a fun novelty. Here’s what you need to know to snag the hottie of your dreams!

Be honest about being a gorilla

We get it. We want everyone to love gorillas as much as we do, but realistically being a gorilla might be a deal breaker for some prospective matches. There’s no point wasting their (or your) time by just posting pictures of your face or aping (pun intended!) a human.

We’re not saying that you can’t wear your cutest dress or a killer smokey eye like all those hot, hot humans. Just make sure you’ve also got a proper full-body pic on your profile so your fellow singletons can get a good look at your gorilla goods!

… But don’t make your whole profile about being a gorilla

Sure, looks are important, but if people are reading your bio, that means that either looks aren’t that big a factor for them, or they’ve got a thing for gorillas, which is cute!

Either way, there’s no need to draw attention to the fact you’re a gorilla. Some people will be attracted to it and others won’t. What’s definitely not attractive is fixating on this aspect of your identity. Remember: you get to decide whether you’re defined by being a gorilla!

Don’t let yourself go

Gorillas often neglect other aspects of their appearance. Why bother doing your hair or makeup when no one’s attracted to you anyway? When you feel unattractive, you act unattractive.

Well, girl, we’re here to tell you that you’re never going to get a date with that attitude! Whip out that Veet or your fav razor and get to work. It’s amazing how much hotter (and cooler!) you’ll feel without all that hair. Even better, if you suggest a dimly-lit bar, your date might not even realise you’re a gorilla!

Dress to your body type

The biggest mistake gorillas make when picking out outfits for a date is wearing what they think would look hot on a human. Cute little mini-dresses, kitten heels and anything that’s delicate, lacy or form-fitting will look out of proportion and likely end up only highlighting the fact that you’re not a human.

Instead, we recommend outfits, patterns and accessories that are as big and as bold as your personality! A bright, playful print and chunky necklace can go a long way to distract from your more apeish features. We know that gorillas’ stomachs are larger than their chests due to their enlarged intestines, but there’s no reason for your date to know this too!

Set realistic expectations

Look, we all want to bag a 10/10, but the harsh truth is that humans are rarely interested in dating gorillas. You might want to seek out sites or apps that specifically cater to either other gorillas or humans with gorilla fetishes. At least in these spaces, you know you’ll be starting with either shared experience or attraction!

If you do decide to jump in at the deep end and download a more generic dating app like Tinder or Hinge, prepare to receive some hate. While we think all gorillas are totally bangable and it’s super brave for a gorilla like you to try finding love, some people can be nasty. The good news is that, as a gorilla, you’re likely already used to folks flinging shit!

Last but certainly not least, are you sure you have to be a gorilla? It might sound super obvious, but the best way to get matches is just to not be a gorilla. We know this might not be an option for every gorilla, but if it is an option for you, what are you waiting for? Get out there and make your dating dreams a reality!

Posey Mehta: I Am Not A Gorilla runs from Aug 3-29th, 10pm, at UnderBelly Bristo Square. Tickets here

Posey is on Twitter at @MooMosey and Instagram at @mosey_moo


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